Student: Elves on the shelves are terrifying. One time I had a nightmare that my family walked into a room and an elf on the shelf gave us all oranges for some reason. Then it got a creepy smile on its face and its head started turning in circles.
I conducted my first ever high school jazz band performance last week.
Me [to crowd]: And this next piece is one probably most of you have heard – If I Only Had You, from the Pixar movie Monsters Incorporated.
*turning back to the band, instantly realizing my mistake*
All 13 Students: Who says Monsters *Incorporated*?!
Me: I knooow. 🤦♂️
*we finish playing the piece*
Me [to students]: I still can't believe I called it Monsters Incorporated. That's the most band director thing I've ever done in my life. 😩
Today was the last day of 6th-grade summer band.
Student 1: Can I give a speech?
Student 1 [to Student 2 ]: You're great and wonderful.
Student 1 [to student 3]: You're great and wonderful.
Student 1 [to Student 4): You're great and wonderful.
Student 1 [to me]: But you're just a little more great and wonderful.
Me [to Student 1 at the end of class]: If y'all were focusing, I'd have time to get to everything I need to, but when you're talking and goofing off, I can't get to everything.
Student 2: So you know those Grow Your Own Butterflies kits you can get? So my family did that, and we had five butterflies that we raised. Once they were ready to be released, we let them go outside, and then a bird swooped down and ate all of them at the same time.
This was literally all of the context there was for this story...
Student: I'm gonna write a book called "Who's a Cannibal?"
Summer band trombones get weird sometimes...
Student 1: Tell your girlfriend she's lucky.
Student 2: Why would you say that?
Student 1: It's what you're supposed to say.
Student 1 (dejectedly): I'm a non-player characterrr.
*30 seconds later*
Student 2: You're out of your render area.
Was doing a bossa arrangement of Here's That Rainy Day with the high school jazz band I'm running (including some students I've been teaching for over 1-1/2 years):
Student: We should play Birdland instead, this song's boring.
Me: You're boring!
Student (sassily): Wow, you just verbally assaulted a minor. *That's* gonna be a mark on your record.
Student: Can I ask you a personal question?
Student: Why do you sweat so much?
Not that I knew what I was expecting, but that wasn't it
I have been teaching music across the Twin Cities since 2011. Along with seeing students grow as musicians and people, one of the joys of teaching is the ridiculous things my students say.