Student 1: It smells bad in here.
Student 2: That's the smell of coronavirus!
Me: Do you have coronavirus?
5th-grade Student (completely deadpan; as though I was asking a stupid question): Yes.
High school student, saying goodbye: Well...good luck, I guess.
Welcome to teaching in the time of covid19, where conversations with students are all coronavirus, all the time. 😷🤒🤧
Student (after being out sick last week): All I did was sleep.
Me: Sleep...that sounds nice... What's it like?
Student: Sleep is like...heaven.
Working on intervals with a student:
Me: An A to Bb is a half-step. It's like the Jaws theme, if you know it?
*student looks confusedly at me*
*I play/sing the Jaws theme*
Student: Isn't that Baby Shark?
I mean...yeah...but... 😩😢
Student, loudly, multiple times while walking past my door: ¡Me llamo comprende!
Tu no comprendes, mi joven estudiante.
*I write on whiteboard*
Overly-critical Student: I'm going to report you to your boss for your bad handwriting!
It was VERY legible... 🙄
*student receive band buck*
Student: Is this Bob Ross or George Washington?
Got an email from a student today [edited for readability]...
Student: Oh, hi, John, this is your favorite student, [name redacted]. So...you need to convince my mom to get me a trombone with a key/trigger/magic-lazy-person-button.
Me: What do you do when you read a book?
Student: Get pulled into the book by a wizard, then have to live through the book until it ends, then you can go back to your life after.
Accurate. But not the answer about pronouncing syllables and words I was looking for.
7th-grader: My brother gave me a couple solos; one I can play, and the other is too high for me right now. He told me I should be able to do it, because he did it when he was in 7th grade.
Yeah, her brother was a trumpet player. 😂
*student's trombone slide was having issues moving from greasing it too often [ikr???], so I cleaned it*
Student: So how often do you grease your slide?
Me: I probably *should* every 2-3 weeks, but normally it's a month or month and a half.
Student: Wait, so I'm not supposed to grease it every time I play?!
*insert George Takei "Oh my" here*
*I stop the group, but one student continues playing*
Student 1: Stop playing! *grabs other student's trombone and pulls it off their face*
Student 2: Hey! Stop hypocritizing me!
Hypocritizing: the act of hypocritically criticizing someone.
*Student to another student: I have a pencil I can stab people with.
I've **never been more thankful I have a lock on my door. 😳
*not my student
**granted, I've had said door for all of a week...
*I say something*
Student: That sounded like Squidward.
Me: Um...ok, cool? I've never seen Spongebob.
Student: Your assignment for next week is to watch Spongebob.
*despite my protests, student takes up precious lesson time writing and underlining "Watch Spongebob" on the whiteboard under his assignements*
In the continuing saga of student who doesn't think I can sing...
Student: Do you play piano?
Me: Yes, a little.
Student: Maybe you should play that instead of trombone.
Student: Or maybe you should sing full-time instead. Then maybe you could sound good.
Sassy student is sassy.
*students sing A-B-C-D-E-F-G, then back down*
Director: What is this called?
Student: The magical alphabet!
I mean...you're not wrong.
A student had a scale sheet with the "Db Major" scale in 6 flats instead of the usual 5.
Student: I think [band director/my older brother] is trying to trick me. Thanks for fixing it. You're better looking too.
Me: Did you practice much this week?
Student: Not a lot. I had much more fun things to do.
Me: You better not say video games.
Student (far too excitedly): No, I went to a funeral yesterday and I got to see a dead body!
😳 If I end up mysteriously disappearing, I have a suspect for you...
*upon finding out that my sister has her master's in flute but I do not have my master's*
Student: You didn't, like, take classes from your dad or anything?
Me: ...why would that help...?
Student: I dunno. I thought maybe your dad had started a college or something.
That's a pretty normal thought to have. I understand.
*while playing something for a beginning student, I see his trombone slowly fall to the ground*
Student: Oh. I guess my toes aren't strong enough to hold up my trombone...
A few months ago one of my students told me I don't have a good singing voice...
Today (hearing a vocal student the next room over)
Student: You should take lessons from her, she sounds good.
*later, after I sang something*
Student: Have you ever taken vocal lessons?
Student: Oh. Because I think even just 1-2 would do you some good.
Teaching is brutal sometimes...
*I say something the student would have no reason to know*
Student: I know.
Me: ...no you don't...
Student: You're right. But sometimes if you say, "I know" it makes you smound [sic] smarter. Wait... 🤦♂️
He just finished finals yesterday. It was a good lesson...
Me: Pretend I'm [orchestra conductor] and that you are auditioning for me.
*student plays piece*
Me: Let me hear the beginning faster.
*student plays first note and pauses; I wait for him to restart and continue; he does not*
Student (with as straight a face as he can manage): Sir, would you like to hear me play anything else?
Kids these days... 🤦♂️
Background: student has had numerous sports injuries during the 2+ years he's been taking lessons from me.
*student accidentally hits stand, chair, keyboard, etc. with trombone during lesson*
Me: Dude, you have to be more aware of what's around you. Think of your trombone as an extension of your body.
Student: I don't think that's a good idea given how poorly I treat my body. 😂
I conceded that point and told him to protect it like it's a baby...
I have been teaching music across the Twin Cities since 2011. Along with seeing students grow as musicians and people, one of the joys of teaching is the ridiculous things my students say.