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Student (not having played trombone much since the spring):
It's gonna be embarrassing having a fancy trombone and not fancy trombone skills. Student: My trombone basically sounds like an amplified fart.
Me: If your trombone sounds like you're farting, you're either doing something wrong with your trombone or you're doing something wrong with your farts. *student texts me a video of brass playing Fanfare for the Common Man, then the Earth blows up*
Me: Wh...why did the Earth blow up? Student: [It] was so loud it created a sonic wave traveling to the center of the earth and disturbing the sentient dolphin people living there and accidentally triggering their nuclear arsenal. Logical. Finished up summer band today with pictures and prizes.
Student: Are there any prizes that make annoying noises??? Yuuup, he's a trombone player alright. I allowed my summer band trumpets to ask me any questions they wanted to. What did they want to know?
Students: -How long have you been playing trombone? -How much do you practice -What is your favorite cereal? -Have you met any famous people? -What is your full name? -What is your social security number? -What is your Amazon password? I doubt they would've been paying attention enough to remember my SSN if I'd told them anyway. *I say something*
*student 1 makes a dad joke* Me: So how many kids do you have? Student 1: Negative two. Student 2: Did you eat two kids?? I was practicing rest/ready/playing positions with my beginning summer band brass players.
*I step up to stand* *all except one student goes silent* Student [finishing conversation with another student]: I ate your dog. We had to try again after I finished laughing. Last week my student threw my mechanical pencil back to me without pushing the graphite back in first, and I jokingly said I could've been stabbed.
Today: *I throw pencil to student* Student: Aaggh, ow!! It stabbed me!! Student: Jk, because THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. Two from my first student today:
1. *I demonstrate a low F with my F-attachment* Student: How can you play that so loud [it wasn't that loud]?? *student tries and gets his a little louder* Student: We should have an F-off! Wait...no... --- 2. *student finds out I'm vegetarian two weeks after giving me a Chick Fil A gift card* Student: Oh, you don't look vegetarian. You look like a man who would eat all the animals in the world. Playing in the pit for Annie at a Christian high school this week. They change swear words and inappropriate lines to make them more acceptable. Last night in rehearsal...
Student: Oh, merciful gosh! The director told her she doesn't need to change that one. 😂 A student too often starts lessons with, "So here's the thing..." and then gives an excuse for not practicing.
*today* Student: So here's the thing... *stops himself* Student: I'm sorry, I know I always have an excuse for not practicing, but it was Easter. Apparently Easter was four days long this year... *I have student draw 3 arrows on music – 1 right to intensify, 1 left to pull back, and 1 down to play his F# lower*
Student: At this rate my music is gonna look like Dance Dance Revolution. ➡️⬅️⬇️🕺 Student: Only communists eat brownies with a fork.
Mom, Dad...I have some news you're not going to like... 🤭 Student (using space background for online lesson): Oh, my trumpet is getting lost in outer space. It's like a space creature now, with a mind of its own. I can't control it.
*student tries to play something and fails* Student: It really DOES have a mind of its own... Student: There's no second page.
*I swipe to second page on my screen* Me: Yes, there is... Student: I meant there's no second-second page. Me: So, like, a third page? Student: Oh, yeah. That's what I meant. Words are hard. Me: Ok, go ahead and play #9 again.
Student [trumpet bell on face, completely not paying attention]: I wonder if I can see through this? As Master Yoda once said, "Control, control, you must learn control!" *I sing 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' to demonstrate phrasing*
Student: So my brother and I realized something about that song. Me: Oh? Student: The words say, "Mary *had* a little lamb." Oh. 😳 [for some reason it came up that I can make pie]
Student: Are you a culinary artist? Me: Uh...I can bake and cook some, at least. Student: So on one side you have the culinary part. On the other side you have the musician part. And in the middle is the artistry. I don't even know what this means. And I apologize I forgot the pie pun that he made shortly after though. Student: Iowa State keeps trying to recruit me, and the more they try, the more I've realized that they're just trying to recruit me because they're like, "Hey, we want your parents' money, and also, COME GET CORONA VIRUS!!!"
Asian-American Student: Did I play the rest too short?
Me: Yes. And speaking of things that are too short... Student (interrupting me): Asians. Asians are too short. I was just going to say a note was out of tune. 🤦♂️ In the middle of an online group lesson, I hear this:
Student: Alexa, play The Incredibles Theme Song. I approve of the music choice, but just...not in the middle of a group lesson... 🤷♂️ Me and Student (at the same time): See you next week!
Student: Jinx! *student signs off* So...am I allowed to talk before her next lesson, or...? Me: Go ahead and start at the pickup note into the second line.
*student fracks pickup note and stops* Student: Ugh, I can't even do the pickup line right. *pause* Student: Wait...I meant pickup note. 🤦♂️ I told her she's probably too young to be using pickup lines anyway. Student: During my band time you should text your brother [his band director] to harass him.
Me: No, I'm good. Student: You should steal his cat! Me: He doesn't have one...my sister does. His wife is allergic. Student: You should leave the cat at your brother's and steal his wife! Me: Uhhhhh... Student: Do you get what I'm saying? Me: Ummm...I don't think *you* understand what you're saying... Student: I stepped on a nail.
Me: You did what now and why...? Student: I forgot there was a nail sticking up, so I walked on it. Me: Oooh boy... I assume you got it taken care of? You didn't just step on the nail then immediately text me, right? 😛 Student: Both? Student: I slapped a bandaid on it and called it good. Me: ...are you up to date on your tetanus shot, at least? Student: Yes. Student: Wait no, I forgot, I'm an anti-vaxer. Me: 🙄 Well, good luck getting diseases and stuff. He's an anti-vaxxer like I'm a flat-earther... |
Author
I have been teaching music across the Twin Cities since 2011. Along with seeing students grow as musicians and people, one of the joys of teaching is the ridiculous things my students say. 
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September 2021
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