Asian-American Student: Did I play the rest too short?
Me: Yes. And speaking of things that are too short...
Student (interrupting me): Asians. Asians are too short.
I was just going to say a note was out of tune. 🤦♂️
In the middle of an online group lesson, I hear this:
Student: Alexa, play The Incredibles Theme Song.
I approve of the music choice, but just...not in the middle of a group lesson... 🤷♂️
Me and Student (at the same time): See you next week!
*student signs off*
So...am I allowed to talk before her next lesson, or...?
Me: Go ahead and start at the pickup note into the second line.
*student fracks pickup note and stops*
Student: Ugh, I can't even do the pickup line right.
Student: Wait...I meant pickup note. 🤦♂️
I told her she's probably too young to be using pickup lines anyway.
Student: During my band time you should text your brother [his band director] to harass him.
Me: No, I'm good.
Student: You should steal his cat!
Me: He doesn't have one...my sister does. His wife is allergic.
Student: You should leave the cat at your brother's and steal his wife!
Student: Do you get what I'm saying?
Me: Ummm...I don't think *you* understand what you're saying...
Student: I stepped on a nail.
Me: You did what now and why...?
Student: I forgot there was a nail sticking up, so I walked on it.
Me: Oooh boy... I assume you got it taken care of? You didn't just step on the nail then immediately text me, right? 😛
Student: I slapped a bandaid on it and called it good.
Me: ...are you up to date on your tetanus shot, at least?
Student: Wait no, I forgot, I'm an anti-vaxer.
Me: 🙄 Well, good luck getting diseases and stuff.
He's an anti-vaxxer like I'm a flat-earther...
Student (65 minutes into his 30 minute lesson): Well, I should go write an essay.
Me: Ooo, what's it on.
Student: Emma, by Jane Austen.
Me: Ah, nice.
Student: I hate it. It's basically all like, "Would you like some tea?" and, [makes pouring motion] "Oh no, I broke my teapot." It's British, so it's basically all about tea.
Well, sounds like he has a pretty solid grasp on the book. 😂
Me (after lesson): I've been playing a lot of Animal Crossing the last week.
Student: Oh! Me too! Do you have any instruments yet?
Yup, he's a band kid alright. 😂
Me: Make sure you're playing that part correctly.
*student puts on sunglasses*
Student: I'm blocking out all the haters.
I guess I'm a hater now. 😎
Student: Hey, [student's brother], did you know that John believes the Earth is flat?
Student: Do you know what the brim of your hat reminds me of?
Me: No, what?
Student: That you think the Earth is flat.
I have NEVER believed the Earth is flat. 🤔
Student 1: It smells bad in here.
Student 2: That's the smell of coronavirus!
Me: Do you have coronavirus?
5th-grade Student (completely deadpan; as though I was asking a stupid question): Yes.
High school student, saying goodbye: Well...good luck, I guess.
Welcome to teaching in the time of covid19, where conversations with students are all coronavirus, all the time. 😷🤒🤧
Student (after being out sick last week): All I did was sleep.
Me: Sleep...that sounds nice... What's it like?
Student: Sleep is like...heaven.
Working on intervals with a student:
Me: An A to Bb is a half-step. It's like the Jaws theme, if you know it?
*student looks confusedly at me*
*I play/sing the Jaws theme*
Student: Isn't that Baby Shark?
I mean...yeah...but... 😩😢
Student, loudly, multiple times while walking past my door: ¡Me llamo comprende!
Tu no comprendes, mi joven estudiante.
*I write on whiteboard*
Overly-critical Student: I'm going to report you to your boss for your bad handwriting!
It was VERY legible... 🙄
*student receive band buck*
Student: Is this Bob Ross or George Washington?
Got an email from a student today [edited for readability]...
Student: Oh, hi, John, this is your favorite student, [name redacted]. So...you need to convince my mom to get me a trombone with a key/trigger/magic-lazy-person-button.
Me: What do you do when you read a book?
Student: Get pulled into the book by a wizard, then have to live through the book until it ends, then you can go back to your life after.
Accurate. But not the answer about pronouncing syllables and words I was looking for.
7th-grader: My brother gave me a couple solos; one I can play, and the other is too high for me right now. He told me I should be able to do it, because he did it when he was in 7th grade.
Yeah, her brother was a trumpet player. 😂
*student's trombone slide was having issues moving from greasing it too often [ikr???], so I cleaned it*
Student: So how often do you grease your slide?
Me: I probably *should* every 2-3 weeks, but normally it's a month or month and a half.
Student: Wait, so I'm not supposed to grease it every time I play?!
*insert George Takei "Oh my" here*
*I stop the group, but one student continues playing*
Student 1: Stop playing! *grabs other student's trombone and pulls it off their face*
Student 2: Hey! Stop hypocritizing me!
Hypocritizing: the act of hypocritically criticizing someone.
*Student to another student: I have a pencil I can stab people with.
I've **never been more thankful I have a lock on my door. 😳
*not my student
**granted, I've had said door for all of a week...
*I say something*
Student: That sounded like Squidward.
Me: Um...ok, cool? I've never seen Spongebob.
Student: Your assignment for next week is to watch Spongebob.
*despite my protests, student takes up precious lesson time writing and underlining "Watch Spongebob" on the whiteboard under his assignements*
I have been teaching music across the Twin Cities since 2011. Along with seeing students grow as musicians and people, one of the joys of teaching is the ridiculous things my students say.