Student: Only communists eat brownies with a fork.
Mom, Dad...I have some news you're not going to like... 🤭
Student: There's no second page.
*I swipe to second page on my screen*
Me: Yes, there is...
Student: I meant there's no second-second page.
Me: So, like, a third page?
Student: Oh, yeah. That's what I meant.
Words are hard.
Me: Ok, go ahead and play #9 again.
Student [trumpet bell on face, completely not paying attention]: I wonder if I can see through this?
As Master Yoda once said, "Control, control, you must learn control!"
*I sing 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' to demonstrate phrasing*
Student: So my brother and I realized something about that song.
Student: The words say, "Mary *had* a little lamb."
[for some reason it came up that I can make pie]
Student: Are you a culinary artist?
Me: Uh...I can bake and cook some, at least.
Student: So on one side you have the culinary part. On the other side you have the musician part. And in the middle is the artistry.
I don't even know what this means.
And I apologize I forgot the pie pun that he made shortly after though.
Student: Iowa State keeps trying to recruit me, and the more they try, the more I've realized that they're just trying to recruit me because they're like, "Hey, we want your parents' money, and also, COME GET CORONA VIRUS!!!"
Asian-American Student: Did I play the rest too short?
Me: Yes. And speaking of things that are too short...
Student (interrupting me): Asians. Asians are too short.
I was just going to say a note was out of tune. 🤦♂️
In the middle of an online group lesson, I hear this:
Student: Alexa, play The Incredibles Theme Song.
I approve of the music choice, but just...not in the middle of a group lesson... 🤷♂️
Me and Student (at the same time): See you next week!
*student signs off*
So...am I allowed to talk before her next lesson, or...?
Me: Go ahead and start at the pickup note into the second line.
*student fracks pickup note and stops*
Student: Ugh, I can't even do the pickup line right.
Student: Wait...I meant pickup note. 🤦♂️
I told her she's probably too young to be using pickup lines anyway.
Student: During my band time you should text your brother [his band director] to harass him.
Me: No, I'm good.
Student: You should steal his cat!
Me: He doesn't have one...my sister does. His wife is allergic.
Student: You should leave the cat at your brother's and steal his wife!
Student: Do you get what I'm saying?
Me: Ummm...I don't think *you* understand what you're saying...
Student: I stepped on a nail.
Me: You did what now and why...?
Student: I forgot there was a nail sticking up, so I walked on it.
Me: Oooh boy... I assume you got it taken care of? You didn't just step on the nail then immediately text me, right? 😛
Student: I slapped a bandaid on it and called it good.
Me: ...are you up to date on your tetanus shot, at least?
Student: Wait no, I forgot, I'm an anti-vaxer.
Me: 🙄 Well, good luck getting diseases and stuff.
He's an anti-vaxxer like I'm a flat-earther...
Student (65 minutes into his 30 minute lesson): Well, I should go write an essay.
Me: Ooo, what's it on.
Student: Emma, by Jane Austen.
Me: Ah, nice.
Student: I hate it. It's basically all like, "Would you like some tea?" and, [makes pouring motion] "Oh no, I broke my teapot." It's British, so it's basically all about tea.
Well, sounds like he has a pretty solid grasp on the book. 😂
Me (after lesson): I've been playing a lot of Animal Crossing the last week.
Student: Oh! Me too! Do you have any instruments yet?
Yup, he's a band kid alright. 😂
Me: Make sure you're playing that part correctly.
*student puts on sunglasses*
Student: I'm blocking out all the haters.
I guess I'm a hater now. 😎
Student: Hey, [student's brother], did you know that John believes the Earth is flat?
Student: Do you know what the brim of your hat reminds me of?
Me: No, what?
Student: That you think the Earth is flat.
I have NEVER believed the Earth is flat. 🤔
Student 1: It smells bad in here.
Student 2: That's the smell of coronavirus!
Me: Do you have coronavirus?
5th-grade Student (completely deadpan; as though I was asking a stupid question): Yes.
High school student, saying goodbye: Well...good luck, I guess.
Welcome to teaching in the time of covid19, where conversations with students are all coronavirus, all the time. 😷🤒🤧
Student (after being out sick last week): All I did was sleep.
Me: Sleep...that sounds nice... What's it like?
Student: Sleep is like...heaven.
Working on intervals with a student:
Me: An A to Bb is a half-step. It's like the Jaws theme, if you know it?
*student looks confusedly at me*
*I play/sing the Jaws theme*
Student: Isn't that Baby Shark?
I mean...yeah...but... 😩😢
Student, loudly, multiple times while walking past my door: ¡Me llamo comprende!
Tu no comprendes, mi joven estudiante.
*I write on whiteboard*
Overly-critical Student: I'm going to report you to your boss for your bad handwriting!
It was VERY legible... 🙄
*student receive band buck*
Student: Is this Bob Ross or George Washington?
Got an email from a student today [edited for readability]...
Student: Oh, hi, John, this is your favorite student, [name redacted]. So...you need to convince my mom to get me a trombone with a key/trigger/magic-lazy-person-button.
Me: What do you do when you read a book?
Student: Get pulled into the book by a wizard, then have to live through the book until it ends, then you can go back to your life after.
Accurate. But not the answer about pronouncing syllables and words I was looking for.
I have been teaching music across the Twin Cities since 2011. Along with seeing students grow as musicians and people, one of the joys of teaching is the ridiculous things my students say.