*student looks at Japanese title under English title "Honeybee"*
Student: Is that Chinese? Because that doesn't make sense to have a song about honeybees in China. They [the bees] all died from the pollution there.
Student [completely serious]: Japan and China are basically the same. Except the religions are different. And the languages. And I guess a lot of other things are different too.
Student [15 minutes before band concert at a different school]: Mr. Baumgartner, do you have a trumpet I can use? I forgot mine at school. And I need a mouthpiece too, because I dropped mine in the snow somewhere in front of school and couldn't find it.
My money's on him purposely losing the mouthpiece to try getting out of playing...
Me: I'm used to Hot Cross Buns being number 18, not 16 [in basically a later edition].
Student [first lesson using the book]: I just realized the pieces are numbered!!! That's magical!!!
Band Director: Now the trombones, the section without any valves or buttons...
Student [pointing to my F-attachment valve]: You have a button.
Me [pointing to my shirt]: I have lots of buttons.
Student [looks at me askance]: ...well...you tried...
Me [in Yoda voice]: Do or do not; there is no try.
Student: *nervous laugh* Uuuuuh...
Me: ...you've never seen Star Wars, have you?
Student: Ummm, nope. Is that the little slug guy?
At an in-home lesson.
Me: Go grab a pencil.
*student disappears for 45 seconds and comes back with a marker*
Me: Um...you should only write on your music with a pencil.
Student: But they're so hard to find!
Me: Ok...well, I'll have you grab one later then.
Me: Go grab a pencil.
*student comes back with a pen*
Student: Everyone else sounds so bad. Can we just only have me and you play trumpet on the concert?
I was sitting in with the middle school band I've been working with, and a student was on her iPod during band, so I took it away.
Student 1: Can I have that back? I need to charge it.
Student 2 [muttered]: Just charge it when you get home and stay off it at school. You're using their electricity when they can't even afford colored paper. I'd much rather have colored paper.
Student: So you're getting paid to teach us, right?
Student: So then we could just do nothing and you would still get paid, right?
Student: Can we just go home?
Me: No. you still have band.
Student: But I die every 6th-hour [last hour of school].
Me: Well that *would* explain the smell.
Student: I got a girlfriend.
*immediately fist-bumps me, with little participation on my end*
Student: Do you have a girlfriend yet?
Student: Keep trying! You can do it!
Student (in near-monotone): I'm happy. . . I'm happy. . . I'm happy. . . I'm happy. . .
Student (to another student; still near-monotone): Are you happy?
*student plays middle C and E below that*
Student: That pitch is hideous.
It sounded perfectly fine to me...
*I play simple lip slurs*
Student [wide-eyed and gape-mouthed]: That was magical. . . *whispered* Magical.
I have been teaching music across the Twin Cities since 2011. Along with seeing students grow as musicians and people, one of the joys of teaching is the ridiculous things my students say.